Why is it so hard to hold abusers accountable? Because they follow secret “rules” of their own. We call them tactics. Rule #1 is “Deny all wrongdoing.”Speaking about moral values is a common deception tactic used by individuals without a conscience. It supports a respectable public persona, which provides a cover for immoral behavior.  Read about DARVO.  

Reader challenge: What is #2 on the abuser’s secret list of rules?


Do you become abusive, or are you born abusive?


 Reblogged from Roots to Blossom:

nature vs. nurture

The whole Nature/Nurture debate goes on in many realms. I have been thinking about this: Why do some people grow up to be abusive, and some do not? Why do some people endure impossible situations, but come out whole eventually, knowing the value of people and never becoming abusive?

50 forms of abuse



50 forms of abuse

1. manipulation (using love bombing tactics to lure or hoover!)
2. lies
3. verbal abuse (name calling)
4. degradation
5. objectification
6. hitting, slapping, pinching, shoving, finger in your face, kicking, biting; physically or sexually!
7. sexual abuse-porn addictions, depravity, deviancy, objectification
8. withholding sex
9. silent treatments
10. blaming
11. projecting
12. gaslighting
13. walking away from you during a discussion.
14, purposely frustrating you in resolution to problems you bring up
15. changing subjects
16. cheating
17. yelling/raging
18. NO EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO YOUR PAIN and/or unusual response to the pain of others or to situations such as death or illness
19. neglect
20. ignoring repeated requests for anything
21. abusing in any way, your children or pets
22. stalking or monitoring you at work, at play or any other way
23. control
24. isolation
25. seeming pleasure at your pain
26. sexual coercion
26. coercion through alcohol or drugs
27. making you feel worthless, suicidal or deeply depressed
28. comparing you to others
29. purposely looking at other women in front of you
30. berating
32. shallow affect
33. sucking you in and then attempting to DESTROY YOU
34. asking for a negative behavior NOT to be repeated, but then it happens again and WORSE the next time.
35. insensitive to your thoughts and feelings
36. contrived or fake emotions of love
37. endless games, push/pull
38. Jekyl/Hyde personality
39. cog/dis in the relationship in order to survive it.
40. having an argument, then the psychopath pretends it never happened.
41. guilting you
42. shaming you
43. leaving you behind in places that are far away or dangerous
44. stealing your money, hiding money, lying about finances.
45. fostering an air of unpredictability, anxiety or stress.
46. calling, texting, emailing constantly under the pretentiousness of how your day is going or where you’ve been or where you are.
47. humiliation disguised as a joke
48. making derogatory comments about your clothing, your personality, sexuality, social status, financial status, friends or family
49. purposely creating drama and arguments as a way to degrade or upset you.
50. denial of your reality

Nice and friendly?


Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in abuse are selective about whom they abuse, other people are typically surprised—or in disbelief—when hearing that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and friendly” is the persona of many conmen, abusers, and killers. Although many folks really are as nice and friendly as they seem, some most definitely are not.

Bullies get a kick out of seeing others in pain


Brain scans of teens with a history of aggressive bullying behavior suggest that they may actually get pleasure out of seeing someone else in pain.

While this may come as little surprise to those who have been victimized by bullies, it is not what the researchers expected.

The reason they were surprised is because the prevailing view is that these kids are cold and unemotional in their aggression.

“It is entirely possible their brains are lighting in the way they are because they experience seeing pain in others as exciting and fun and pleasurable,” said one researcher.

“We need to test that hypothesis more, but that is what it looks like,” he added.

13 rules for dealing with a sociopath


According to Dr. Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door

  1. Accept that some people have no conscience; that there are evil people in this world who do not act out of concern or love for another.
  2. Listen to your instincts — labels (professional roles) do not make a good person. Look carefully at someone who “carries” a professional label, judging whether that individual’s behavior fits what is expected of that professional role.
  3. Practice the rule of threes — One lie or broken promise may be a misunderstanding, two lies may involve a serious mistake, three lies — the individual is not trustworthy. Stay away from that individual.
  4. Question authority.
  5. Suspect flattery — when someone flatters you excessively, telling you how much they appreciate you or like it when you visit or how much they enjoy your conversations.
  6. Redefine your concept of respect — respect must be earned. Don’t automatically give respect to an individual because of her professional role or her relationship to you.
  7. Refuse to join the game — do not try to outsmart the sociopath. Do not reduce yourself to his level.
  8. Once you identify a sociopath, avoid him, refuse any kind of interaction. It is the only way to protect yourself.
  9. Question your tendency to pity too easily. Anyone who actively campaigns for your pity or consistently hurts others is likely a sociopath. Pity should be reserved for those who truly deserve it. Make sure the individual who seeks your help really needs it.
  10. Do not try to redeem the unredeemable. If you are dealing with someone without a conscience, you cannot change them, no matter how educated or loving you are. Sociopaths have no reason to change; they like who they are.
  11. Never agree to help a sociopath conceal her true character. You don’t owe the sociopath anything. Don’t believe that you are like her, no matter what she says. You are nothing like her.
  12. Defend your psyche. Humanity is not a failure. Being kind and loving and caring is the best way to live. It is the way most people live their lives.
  13. Living well is the best revenge.

Criminal versatility—a psychopathic trait


Greenwood rape suspect linked to robberies, assault

Posted on June 30, 2011, updated Jul 1

SEATTLE — The man accused of kidnapping a woman off the street and raping her last week is also connected to a string of armed robberies in Seattle’s Ballard neighborhood.

Prosecutors say Jose Jimenez-Lopez is also a suspect in another assault and robbery of a woman. Additionally, federal authorities say he may be in the U.S. illegally, and have placed an immigration hold on him.

According to police, both Seattle police detectives and a female victim recognized Jimenez-Lopez’s face on TV when a surveillance picture of the suspect who attacked two women in the Greenwood neighborhood last week was released.

At 97th and Dayton, officers said two men hid in the bushes and jumped out to attack two women who were walking by. One of those women was abducted and raped.

Police said Jimenez-Lopez had a gun and cocaine on him when he was arrested at a bar late Tuesday.

Criticizing a narcissist


“Narcissists mainly want to punish or defeat someone who has threatened their highly favorable views of themselves.”


“People who are preoccupied with validating a grandiose self-image find criticism highly upsetting and lash out against the source of it.”